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|Friday, September 29th, 2006|
|Sunday, September 24th, 2006|
Well. I've had the most fucked up month of my life. Let me just vent for a moment.
September 1st. Ashley tells me she wants to have a one week break or so...that she doesnt want things to be over, just a break. I go home to my parents house and then on the 4th, my birthday...she comes to visit me. We sleep together...shop. We have the most amazing day we've ever had in all 2 years. I see her again on the 6th, things are perfect. She tells me that her mom and aunt are coming to visit and that she wont be able to talk to me much. I dont talk to her for a week. The following week, she calls me and tells me she wants me to move back in and that she loves me. I take the next day off from work.....that morning she calls ma at 7am and cancels, says she's sick. I'm like "uh that was the last day off that I could take." She tells me she hates me and that there's someone else. I freak out and drive to the apartment. She wouldnt let me in...said she hated me and would call the police if I didnt leave.
I bust in and sure enough...there's another girl there. I call her aunt to see if she can convince Ashley to give me my things....they hadn't visited.
I was dumped. Over the past 3 weeks, we have had very limited contact. Mainly just texting back and forth negotiating her bringing me my shit. She already has a new girlfriend and they are so tooootaaalllyy in love (barf). I'm devastated. I'm almost losing my job because I can't stop crying.
Want to hear a kicker? I found out that she's cheated on me 3 times in the 2 years....once with a mutual friend of ours. The fucked up part? My friend tried to tell me about it. SHe did...but she was obsessed with Ashley and lied about *everything* so I just dismissed it. Nope. She did....
So here I am...devastated....alone. The girl that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, was a fraud. I never once cheated on her or did anything wrong. TWO YEARS of my life. I have not a penny in my savings account....I have nothing to show for 2 years of work. She ditched me like a bad habit. I stayed faithful and we even became fucking domestic partners.
I've never been this upset or depressed. I work 4am-12pm....I come right home and take 3 Benadryls and cry myself to sleep. It's pathetic. I just can't believe it.....I'm trying to transfer with my job to Maine. I can to to USM at Portland. Take my dogs, start a new life. I can't go anywhere because the gay scene in Nashville is so small. Everyone either knows her, or I'll run into her anywhere I go.
I'm trying to keep my head up. I'm back at home living with my parents...saving up money and paying bills....praying for the day that I can forget her name and what she's done to me....
|Sunday, September 10th, 2006|
Ashley said last Friday that she wanted a break....My birthday was on Monday and she came to see em and was absolutely amazing.....amazing. We had such an amazing time and everything seemed fine....We haven't talked in 4 days. I finally talked to her this morning and she more or less totally broke up with me. I don't know what to do...that's 2 and a half years of my life. She has my heart and I don't know how to stop loving her. I've been a nervous wreck for a week. I've lost 12 pounds. Please make this stop
|Wednesday, May 24th, 2006|
|Wednesday, May 17th, 2006|
In 12 hours, Ashley and I will legally be domestic partners...... Current Mood: bouncy
|Monday, April 17th, 2006|
Sarah Bettens/Jen Foster show is coming up. Ash and I saw them a few months back...it's one of the most amazing shows that I've ever been to ever.
It was so weird to see Sarah Bettens in a small, 50person venue...all bulldyke with an acoustic guitar....when I remember seeing K's Choice with Alanis Morissette when I was like 13...Crunk! She is the new love of my life.
|Saturday, March 4th, 2006|
So it's 2:30 and I'm up because of two reasons. 1) I have the flu....and 2) My 7mo yellow lab puppy just had AWFUL diarrhea in the floor next to my bed. Ew. Ash is sleeping peacefully. I haven't written in a long time because well...I've been really busy. But I'm bored and awake and there's not else much to do so I figured I would. Lately everything is starting to majorly trip me out. People I've been friends with for like 10 years...grown up with...are getting married, having children and starting families. This concept is so bizarre to me. Here I am at 21, living with my girlfriend and our 2 dogs in little apartment in a little college town...We are both going back to school in the Fall, which is good, but I want more. I want to finish undergrad, go to Grad and then get a good job and buy a house and start a family. It just seems like I'm just at square one when all of these people I grew up with have graduated and are now married with killer jobs. It's a little disheartening at times, but oh well. I will get there! I guess I just took the long way. Ash and I are having a really rocky time. Between my self-destruct mode and our past problems, things are really piling up. I love the girl more than ANYTHING in the world. We have been together for almost TWO years now. TWO. I used to think that marriage wasn't something that I would ever be interested in...or even want. But when she and I are at our best...we shine. Lately we have talked about doing a domestic partnership. I think we may be doing it in the next few weeks. Damn. Did anyone ever see that coming with me? I sure as hell didn't. In the state of Tennessee, a domestic partnership is crunk! If one party leaves or cheats, then that is considered abandoment of household duty, and the other partner automatically gets everything. If you want to break up you basically have to pay a great deal of money to get out of it. Scary thought, but something I really want to do. I'll possibly soon be a married woman!
In other news, the flu really blows. I've never been this sick in my life. Fever, vomiting, cold chills, aches. Ugh it is BAD. I've been out of work for 3 days this week. It's not a good feeling. I've mostly just slept in Ash's bed and drowned myself on Gatorade and Vicks Nasal Spray. It's now 2:47am, and I'm warming my left over Chilis, and then I'm going to watch Walk the Line. So goodnight all!
My baby! Current Mood: sick
|Sunday, December 18th, 2005|
|Reflections on 2005
December 18th....11:15am. Lately my life has been filled with reflection. A year ago, I was at home living wtih my parents. Ashley was at home in Cookeville...and we would do the 3 hour (each way) drive several times a week to see each other. Things were amazing between us. Happy even. I had just dropped out of school in October...and was living at home, trying to put my life back together. I was working at Michaels, making halfway decent money.
I have gone through so much crap in the last few years. Who would have thought that after highschool, 3 years later I wouldn't be in school. I should be graduating next year. I'm a long way off from that goal. Right now I'm working at T-Mobile...and brought a lot of drama into it as a result of mine and Ashley's fighting. Now both of our jobs are on the line. Regret #1 - Dropping out of school
I dropped out of school last year in October. I was living in Murfreesboro in an apartment and Jill moved herself in with me. I told my mom I wanted a semester break from school and just wanted to work, but No was not an acceptable answer. I think I went to my classes twice. On October 11th I dropped out officially for the semester. Since then, it's been an uphill battle...with jobs, Ashley, my parents. Living at home with my parents after having freedom was and is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Every day there is a fight worse than the one before, and the tension is unbearable. I totally feel like a loser...but I know that I am going back this next Fall. I have made that promise to myself. I will finish up the two classes to give me a minor in French...then I will complete the Political Science major. I know what I want and need to do...somehow I just need to get my life in shape to get there. Ashley
Ashley and I met under strange circumstances...It was as if right after we met, we were connected at the hip. We moved fast....and when it was either split up and never see each other again...or run away and live together, that's what we chose. When our families gave us the ultimatum, we gave them a big "FUCK YOU" and moved back to Murfreesboro and got a place. We got this little slum of a house and lived there for almost a year. Six or so months into it...I became a monster. Just like George in the Amityville Horror...I got back on coke, screamed and yelled...we got into several bad physical fights. Ashley broke up with me, and I moved home to my parents while she got an apartment in Murfreesboro on her own. We've gone through a lot of shit...Time and time again she has said she hates me and wants to be my friend...but that she needs time to heal. I also found out that towards the end, when we werent getting along...that she was trying to hook up with this girl at work. She admits it, and other people have told me. She says it was because she wanted someone that would treat her well, and I wasn't...Which, well...I wasn't in the least. I've acted like a crazy ass. I've never in my life tried to hold on to anyone like I have her...it's really pathetic. I spent the night at her place 2 days ago...and it was amazing. We just spent time together like friends. She says she fell in love with me again and only wants to be with me. I want to believe that more than anything in the world...however I also cant help but wonder if the only reason she wants me again is because her previous interest ditched her. That's on my mind constantly. Tonight we are going to see Jen Foster and Sarah Bettens from K's Choice...It should be amazing. I just wonder how we're going to get along....I wish I could get over my own feelings to see how genuine she is. My friends say to stay away...but she's been my life for over a year...I can't. It's going to be awesome when Jen plays "Taking Bob Dylan." It's our breakup song...every time I hear it on Lightning 100 I burst into tears. We will see...
I guess I should go finish my cleaning so I can go out. I have to my my parents' slave in order to get out of the house for 20minutes. I hate it. Current Mood: sick
|Sunday, December 11th, 2005|
This is so hard...
We are over. I would write more but I can barely function through the tears. We've been broken up for a month now....Still been friends and hanging out...sometimes sleeping together...The past week, she says she's completely over it...wants me to move on and date other people, and eventually she wants to do the same.
Every day when I drive back and forth to work I wish that my car would magically slam into a tree. I cry all the time. I come home, lay in bed and cry. I have to take 3 Darvocets just to be able to sleep. If this is what your first love feels like, I want no part. I am destroyed. Emotionally, physically, mentally. She says that she wants to be my friend and get to know me again...but that there must not be any expectations, and that we should both date other people if we so choose....
I don't want anyone else...I want her back. I want to be able to come home and sit on the couch and cuddle and watch movies and hold hands. Lay in bed holding her and falling asleep smelling her hair. My eyes are always red...always watery...All I want is another chance to prove to her that I'm not horrible....that I won't treat her the way I did for the past year.
The only thing I have *EVER* wanted....is gone. And I fucked it up. Current Mood: depressed
|Saturday, September 17th, 2005|
Guess who's going on a romantic getaway?
Oh yes! It's mine and Ashley's 1 year anniversary....So I suprised her with a trip! We're going to see the Vikings vs Bengals (haha sorry game I know)...she's never been to an NFL game before. I also got us 2 nights in the Hilton Hotel in downtown Cincy. Go me.
We're leaving tonight, letting other people take care of our animals, and having a NICE little vacation. Monday we're just gonna go around town for the afternoon...I wanna go visit Yellow Springs but I doubt she'll let me. Anywho, I'm leaving straight from work and we're driving through the night.
See ya'll losers later!! =P Current Mood: excited
|Wednesday, August 31st, 2005|
Josie, bad picture
Our newest addition, Gracie!! 6weeks
The best one...us
|Saturday, August 20th, 2005|
Ashley's in the doghouse so she's getting me Grandpa! Yay!
Robin's Bday= Sept 4th! I'd prefer money to gifts. Ha.
PS- 3rd shifts BLLOW Current Mood: sleepy
|Tuesday, May 24th, 2005|
WE GOT A KITTEN! Current Mood: giddy
|Saturday, May 21st, 2005|
|Saint of Circumstance
Lately I've been thinking about where my life is at this point in time. It's crazy! One year ago from today...I had just finished up a semester at school. I was doing nothing but hanging out. Didn't have to worry about money, finances or anything. I smoked however much pot I could handle, stayed out all night, and slept very little.
Taking a year off was perhaps the best thing that I could have ever done. I've gotten my head on straight. I have a good job with 911 starting June 6th. I met the most amazing girl in the *entire* world and we are building a life together. Stability is something that I've never really had....never really WANTED to have, for that matter. It's crazy that I've never had to think about anyone other than myself. Now, before I do anything I have to also consider Ashley. This is the first relationship that I've been happy with...truly content and happy with.
Last night, at 10:30, as we were already tucked in bed...we were holding hands and watching David Letterman and I realized that I am practically MARRIED. Whenevever I become too tied down to one person I nip it in the bud but I am so completely happy with her. I love her more than anything in this world. I treat her so horribly sometimes and today I realized how lucky I am that she hasn't left me or kicked me out - one of the two. I'm lucky to have her. I'm lucky that she cares about me as much as she does. She's in Knoxville getting her stuff from her ex-roommate to bring to our house. She'll be home soon hopefully. I miss her. I wish she hadn't been busy all day because I wanna go play basketball!
In other news. This morning, we went to the grocery store for 45minutes and Josie POOPED ALL OVER her crate. Ugh it was disgusting. I had to drag it outside and hose it off, and then bring it back in. Wipe her feet off. It was GROSS. I miss Norah...I can't wait until we pay our douchebag landlord the rest of our deposit June's rent...then he can fix our washing machine. THEN I can bring Norah back here. I miss her. bleh. I guess im gonna head home. Current Mood: sleepy
|Sunday, March 6th, 2005|
It's 1:32 in the morning and I can't even begin to fall asleep. I have far too much weighing on my mind. I started the job at the Active Learning Center on Friday. It was my first full day. I *HATE* it. I was not meant to work with kids at all. I suppose I just don't have the patience for it.
Ashley got a job too, working with special needs people. I'm glad. I know that that's what makes her happy...but our shifts are gonna be mad fucked up. I'm 8-5 five days a week. She's 7days on, 7days off. I'm gonna see if I can drop down to part time or find another job. It's like week 3 of her living here...I never thought that I would drop out of school and be living here at my parents' house...and then have my girlfriend come live with me too. We're on the edge of getting our own place. I can't believe we've been together for 5 months. It's *crazy*....we have endured SO much together.
I'm so scared that she's going to leave me. My dad is such a bastard. He's thrown several fits on me today....I'm waiting for the one I'm gonna get tomorrow morning. Obviously it makes her uncomfortable to be here with him being abusive to me...I just don't know what to do. It's too much to ask her to stay, so I won't. I feel responsible for her unhappiness. I've made my parents go bankrupt because of my drama. My mom and dad throw a FIT if we *EVER* leave the house...saying we're wasting money...I guess we are, considering we both get every cent from them. I just hate it. It's a Saturday night and we have been confined to my room. I hate this. My dad's mental issues are destroying my relationship with her. I've never loved anyone like this...This is a love that others envy...I would do and sacrifice anything for this girl....but I sometimes feel like we're just roommates...two people who just happen to live with each other and sleep in the same bed and on occasion have sex. As soon as we leave this house, everything is better. We're jocular and happier...but I'm starting to wonder if we can withstand all of this for another 3 weeks to a month. My dad was being great, up until today and he just snapped.
It's breaking my heart. I know I've become boring. Our days are so routine and noneventful. I wish they didn't have to be. She's sleeping like an angel right now, 5 feet away. Snoring. I love it. I think I would miss that the most. Falling asleep together, her holding me...and she'll start to snore in my ear. I love it more than anything. This situation is so difficult that it makes me want to believe in God. Anyone or anything that I could pray to for a miracle. I want a life with her. I want 25years from now, to look back on all of this and say "we made it through it. look at us now." I hate that i can see the beginning of our life together...appearing on the horizon...but I'm so scared that she's just going to throw both hands up and go back home. SO scared.
Sometimes I wish that I could just extract my heart from my chest and somehow make her understand. I love the girl more than anything in the entire world...I wish she knew that regardless of how I act sometimes....she's all I think and care about. I don't want her to give up on this...for some reason i've had a horrible feeling for the past few days. i hope im not right. Current Mood: sleepy
|Monday, February 14th, 2005|
|Git er done!
So...I'm about to have a damn good paying job. My mom (how hot is that?) heard on the radio about Metro needing 911 dispatchers. I went downtown to take the test and passed, and then went to orientation this last Thursday to tour the facility. DAMN GOOD MONEY. I would start off making $12.90/hour. I hope I get it....I have my second interview this Friday...Tomorrow is the interview with Lowes. I don't care what kind of job I get right now. Actually, I do...I hope the 911 shit follows through. I could have an apartment in 2 months.
This weekend was pretty low key. Ashley came over on Friday and stayed til today...seems like she was here for 5minutes. She came over and we laid in bed and talked and watched tv. Friday was amazing...we didn't do anything. We went to Kroger and bought stuff to make dinner and that was about it. Saturday we went down to the field and laid in the grass and talked and smoked. I can't wait til it warms up so we can go to the park with Norah and Josie, and go camping. This was our Valentines Day weekend and it kinda sucked that we didn't do anything. VDay is very cheesy, I think. Definitely a Hallmark Holiday...but that doesn't make me not want to do something nice for her. Hell, anyone that can put up with me deserves the world.
This morning, she got up and got dressed like she was gonna leave. She said "bye man" and seriously walked downstairs. No hug. No kiss. Nothing. My mom came out of her room and asked her if she was leaving. All I could think about was "what the fuck? She's leaving me like THIS?" She really did...She got in her car and I heard her pull off. I started crying, racking my brain of anything I could have done to piss her off....10minutes later I get a phonecall from her. She's at Jake's. She apologized and begged me to come meet her at WalMart. She was playing a joke on me, but then my mom came out and she felt weird coming back into the house. I was so mad at her! I met her at WalMart and she ended up coming back over and we watched the Grudge. (Which is a HORRIBLE fucking movie)
I think that typical lesbians are so T. I've been guilty of it too...lesbians date around like crazy. Go from one second being single to "in love" and adopting cats with someone they've known for 3 weeks. Pretty absurd. But I don't feel that way with Ashley. We've constantly battled every obstacle imaginable, just to see each other (sometimes just for 5 minutes). I've never had to fight for something this hard....I always throw in the towel, not giving a shit. I hope that 10 years down the line, she and I can reflect back on this and say "yes, that made us this much stronger." Every other relationship I've ever been in has just felt like we were dating....nothing serious. Sometimes when I'm with her, I feel like we're an old married couple. We've been playing on the word Massachusetts lately...joking around about it. Although I'm not joking. If I had the opportunity, I would marry her in a heartbeat...She completely has my heart....I want to find a more permanent way of showing her that she does. I'm not even kidding...I hope that one day when we are both more established that she could possibly feel that way about me...I know everyone is OVER me posting about her all the time but oh well....she's the only thing I think about!
It's 1:20 in the morning and I'm about to pass the fuck out. I have my interview at 11...bleh. I hope i get it, cause it would be a good daytime job. I *HAVE* to go to school in the Fall, no doubt about it.
Well I am a sleepy B so I will be departing. G'night. Current Mood: relaxed
|Monday, January 3rd, 2005|
|Wednesday, December 29th, 2004|
So I am no longer an art wench at Michaels. I wanted to spend the day with Ashley, so I called in and told them that I would "no longer be coming to work. sorry about the lack of a two week notice." it felt amazing. they have been so rude to me...and i get shitty hours with rude people for LITTLE pay. NOT cool. kept it quiet to my parents and told them today. They're pretty okay with it.
Soooooo what is everyone doing for New Years? My favorite girl and I are trying to get a hotel room but everything is booked booked booked. I do not know....This is the first NYE that i'm spending with someone that i'm serious with, so it HAS to be good! I need some ideas. I want to do something really sweet and cheesy but she hates that kind of stuff....and I want to be original, but can't think of anything. Someone help me!
Last night she was over and we were messing around in my room...Suddenly at 3am my mom knocks on the door and says "Robin? Are you guys in there?" I wonder if she heard us...Mom was rude to her this morning....but has been normal to me all day. Hm I wonder. It feels like I'm walking on a bed of nails, waiting for her to say something.
BONNAROO 2005 WEBSITE IS UP!!!!!
|Thursday, December 2nd, 2004|
Haven't posted in a long time. Been a busy girl.
Dropped out of school for the semester and now I work at Michaels full time again. It's been a rough year for me....Dana's back at home, and we're gonna go to the same school. I'm EXCITED. I'm living at home with my parents...and in like a month and a few days, Ashley and I will be moving in together and getting our own place. It's crazy how we met...and how fast things have developed...but I seriously care for her a whole lot. She's spent the last two nights with me...hard since she moved back home and is now living with her grandparents until she can move here...She's having a horrible time in Sparta because she chose to stay here and be near me. I've never been attracted to someone like her...we share basically none of the same interests, but we click really well. It's really nice to have conversations with someone completely different than me. Never thought that I would start to fall for a yuppie Christian Republican, folks...but it has happened. I can't wait until we can lay in bed all day and not have to get up. every time she spends the night, my mom yells at me to get up at like 9am to go play with my dogs and do other crap. Even on my days off, when we just want to lay in bed all day. hasn't happened yet. I miss her...she lives roughly an hour and 15minutes from me....I was used to seeing her every single day...I miss her like Hell...I could write this entire thing about Ashley, but I will refrain.
Norah and Josie are doing really well. They are *LOVING* the backyard. Norah's maintaining 87 lbs. She's a big ass girl. Josie weighs 35. She looks like a goat. Last night we were laying in bed and Josie gave us this look and Ashley was like "HANNIBAL?!" So funny. I'm still obsessed with the damn dogs. Still need to get a life.
I will be returning to MTSU in the spring. I'm looking forward to it. My final decision is to finish out the French/International Relations/Anthropology route and continue on to law school. I think we're getting an apartment at Archstone in Hickory Hollow. It's really really nice and there are hundreds of jobs there. I have to work tomorrow 9-5 so I'm gonna hit the hay. Current Mood: sleepy
|Monday, September 27th, 2004|
Josie on her first day home</a>
The first day Josie came home
Josie looking like a freak</a>